Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
