my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
