I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
the gays at disneyland are vicious
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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