just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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