that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
