The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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