why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
