Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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