Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
