oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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