I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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