I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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