Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
