im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
