From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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