she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
