I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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