Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
