Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Randomize
