I want to walk on stilts...naked
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
