This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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