You don't have asthma, your pregnant
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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