you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
