the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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