; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
