I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
