You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
