I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
