You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
