I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
