she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
