From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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