Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
