All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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