I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
