I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
