Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
