I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
