I can feel you judging me through the phone.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Randomize
