It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
