according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
