I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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