boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
