Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
