I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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