Having a random hookup so left but love u
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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