six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize
