Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
