omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
