You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
