I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
