A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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