"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
